The False, Funny, Strange and Deceptive Watch Advertising Phrases...

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This is more of a humor thread than anything else, but if you're anything like me (sarcastic and probably a bit too observant), you see a lot of watch ads that make bogus claims, or use funny or inflammatory advertising language to describe the features of their watches. I have kept an unofficial running list of these and add them as I come across them. Here are a few:

Water resistant to 100 meters (suitable for showering and washing hands, but not submersion). -I guess the 100 meters means that you could walk to within about 300 feet of a body of water before the crystal fogs up from the inside...

Protective acrylic crystal. -Aside from the fact that 'acrylic crystal' is an oxymoron, acrylic could probably only be considered 'protective' if compared only to having a crystal made of Jello, or no crystal at all...

Non-water resistant. Not suitable for swimming or diving -OK, now I get it! That finally explains why all of the watches I buy that aren't water resistant are being ruined when I go swimming or diving!

...powered by an accurate quartz movement - I usually prefer inaccurate movements, but OK, I guess that will work...

Faux Leather Strap OK, in 2015, who is even fooled anymore by using 'faux' instead of 'false' ?

Swiss Inspired -The 'inspired' portion of this phrase virtually guarantees that the Swiss had absolutely nothing to do with the watch...

Solid Steel Case - Good thing it's 'solid' steel because 'liquid' steel would hurt when you put it on your arm...(OK, that one's a bit of a groaner even by my standard).

Stainless Steel (Resists stains) - Hence the word 'stainless'...

Pilot Watch (Altitude/barometric measurement not suitable for use in Commercial Aviation) Does anyone else find it disconcerting that commercial pilots need to be told not to check their watch to see how far from the ground they are? And while you're giving that some thought, remember that it's apparently still OK for private pilots (who can carry up to 3 passengers), so be especially wary if your pilot friend offers you a free ride in his Cessna, and is wearing this watch prior to takeoff.

Chinese watches are the best. I found this one day:

Luminous hands and dial (Not visible in low visibility conditions) -I don't think this one deserves an explanation.

From an instruction book:

Accurate to 0 meters if properly adjusted by horology person who is very special, and with consistency. Water resist to 5 seconds per weekly if watch is vigorously cleaned mildly sometime before hand with utensils repeatedly - That one made my head hurt when I first saw it. OK, it still does. Just make sure that if you do get it cleaned, that the person doing the cleaning is really, really special.

And this one:

Limited warranty. Does not cover parts, labor or shipping. Does not cover damage resulting from fire, submersion, shock or blunt force trauma OK, what exactly does the warranty actually cover? I assume (because of the omission) that they actually will cover the odd gamma ray burst from a super massive black hole in a neighboring galaxy, but just not any parts...or labor...or shipping to and from their factory. Well, to be honest, they're not lying to you: That warranty is limited indeed...

This is one I found in a user manual for a Chinese Automatic that I bought while visiting Thailand with my wife in 1996:

If you shall prefer is to check your time in the hours following with darkness, please consult posthaste with your luminous hands. -I always get a mental picture of some poor shmuck walking around with hands that glow in the dark when I read that.

I've got a few more but you get the gist. I started noticing these things when I was stationed in Korea in the 1980s and was looking for a watch while visiting a girlfriend that lived near Seoul. There was a watch in a store window that had an accompanying placard that read:

Beat the cock with this watch! -Presumably because the watch's alarm feature can be used to wake yourself up early in the morning and not because it advocates either animal abuse or satisfying yourself while wearing the watch. I still get a chuckle from that one even 30 years later.

If you have any to add to this list, knock yourself out. :001_tt2:
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I laughed so hard I threw up all over my spats.
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Those people who use minty need to be painfully electrocuted. Several times.
"Merch" and "bae" also qualify.
Like that time Rolex said they invented the first waterproof watch.
Waltham and others did.
Like that time Rolex said they invented the first automatic wristwatch.
Harwood did.
Like that time Rolex said they were the first watch on the summit of Moun Everest.
Smiths were.
Like that time Rolex said they invented the first proper dive watch.
Blancpain did.
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