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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
From a humorous email that my dad forwarded me....


Colonoscopy Journal

ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.



I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies.....
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5.. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
 

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I had one about 3 years ago and drove myself but they wouldn't do it unless I had somebody to drive me home. I came home and got my wife and went back and they did it but then told me I couldn't drive a car for some number, I don't remember how many, hours. Thank goodness they didn't say anything about a motorcycle, I drove it to work. :001_tt2:
 

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Dave great to hear that you got the all clear :thumbup1:

I had a colonoscopy about 6 months ago but the drain cleaner that was given to me was Kleanprep. Four sachets come in a container that hold one litre of the mix, a total of four litres to somehow get down you. One sachet in the jug with the litre of water and you drink one glass every 15 minutes, instructions suggest a bowel movement just as you finish the first jug but it would not be so simple for me. I was on my fourth litre and my stomach was so bloated from all the liquids, every glass tasted worse than the one previous and I was nearly vomiting it back up.

Eventually I became a human pressure washer, I have never felt anything like it in my life the sheer force of what was coming out had me laughing my head off, only the little boy in us could find it funny but really it felt like my life was going going down the toilet pot.

I went through the same procedure as Dave with the needle in the arm but I was only given a light sedative to relax me and I was watching it on the sceen as the doctor done his job.

Here is a Billy Connolly sketch as he talks about a colonoscopy in a way that only he could.

 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
This isn't MY experience...it's an email forwarded from my dad which I found very funny and wanted to share.

Sorry for the confusion!
 

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I have had 3 plus a bunch of Sigmoidoscopys. It's good advice to have them at age 50+. A friend of mine often referred to the scope as the tail pipe to a GTO.
 

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My father was diagnosed with colon cancer when he was 54 yrs old , they proceeded to remove 18" of Colin. He spent the next six years with chemo treatments, then died when he was 60, the cancer had spread to his liver. . . . All us siblings were instructed to have this colonoscopy by Dads doctor. Doc told us that it doesn't matter, male or female. .. Get the test....my 2nd younger brother had this test done at age 33 and had four palyps removed.... I returned to my doc and DEMANDED that he request this test for myself....my doc told me that I was too young at age 40 for the colonoscopy......so this humor is not very humorous to me, but rather a fact by fact account of the preparation for this test....oh, and they removed only two non cancerous palyps from my colon at age 40.... I dread scheduling another appointment, but with our history and the memory of the misery that my father dealt with from chemo, the test is the best route to find this deadly disease..........I used to think that 60 was OLD. But losing my Dad only 7 years ago at age 60 has had a profound effect on me.
 

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Thank you Dave for my first tearfilled laugh of 2012. Between you and the very irreverant Mr Connolly, I had a great side splitter. I myself have endured the "exploding arse" of bowel preparation and also waking up during a colonoscope, much to the surprise of the specialist doing the procedure.

There is a message here fellow WISers. Get yourself Anal probed for all the right reasons and keep yourself alive. Do you want to miss out on the 2018 models?? I'm sure I don't - - - and what will an SKX 009k2 sell for in 2020 - - - stick around and find out:wink::lol:
 
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